I
think most people who know me today know how passionate I am about my favorite
music and my favorite artists. I’m the person who sets an alarm to wake up at
2am for a song release, or to watch a performance in a different time zone on
the other side of the world; I know the all words to a new song about an hour
after it comes out; I’ve spent an inordinate amount of money on merchandise and
concert tickets (multiple times). But I wasn’t always this person.
I
still vividly remember the first time I woke up in the middle of the night for
a music release. It was November 12, 2015 and One Direction’s fifth studio
album Made In The A.M. was set to release at midnight. I will never
forget the anticipation I felt as I eagerly went to bed at 9pm, setting my
alarm for 11:55, hoping to get a decent amount of sleep by getting a few hours
of sleep before the release. (Ah, the naivety of 8th grade me –
nowadays I’m usually up anyway.) Being my first album release, I didn’t realize
the midnight release time was Eastern Time, so it actually dropped at 11. So I
woke up to about 20 excited text messages from my best friend saying that it
was out and she was listening to it and that it was so good. I fumbled to open
the iTunes store and download the songs I’d had preordered for weeks. I
remember impatiently waiting for the songs to download so that I could finally
listen to them. Some of the songs were released early as promotion leading up
to the album release, so I planned to skip those on my first listen and just
hit the new ones.
The
first track on the album is called “Hey Angel”. The opening chords are
soft but quickly build into a full, grand, and dare I say heavenly sound.
Sitting in the dark, I soaked in the music, quite possibly shedding a tear, but
if I’m completely honest most of the night is a bit of a blur. There is
something about laying in the dark silence of the night and listening to music
for the first time. It’s just you and the music. Often times, you know the
titles of the songs before they come out, and you sit there in the dark,
refreshing iTunes or Spotify, trying to guess what it’s going to sound like or
be about. The thing about music is that it’s so easy to imprint your first
experiences upon the song. That’s why I like listening to it for the first time
alone in the quiet peace of my room.
When
I get new music, I get on a kick for a few weeks afterwards where it’s one of
the only things I listen to. Shortly after Made In The A.M.’s release, I
travelled to Albuquerque, New Mexico, with my club cross country team to
compete in the USATF Junior Olympics Nationals meet. The week I spent in
Albuquerque with my friends was quite possibly one of the best weeks of my life
– I had an absolute blast and completely fell in love with the city. I also was
listening almost solely to this album for most of the trip. One of my favorite
songs on the album is “Walking in the Wind” and that song vividly makes me
think of Albuquerque more than any of the other songs. Listening to it now, I
am struck by bittersweet nostalgia, a physical ache in my chest. I love this
album so much, but I rarely listen to it anymore because of the pain of
nostalgia that comes with it.
I
wish that I could listen to it again for the first time because after 4 years, the
associations I have with the music have faded. While music does a good job of
holding onto memories, I have found that if you listen to music often enough
over a long enough period of time, those memories will become blurred, covered
by the traces of more recent memories and experiences. Sometimes this is a good
thing – these songs don’t have specific memories attached and simply feel like
home and comfort/familiarity. But I wish I could enjoy the music again without
the pangs of nostalgia that hit me whenever I hear it. I wish I could remember
what my first thoughts were – are the interpretations I have of the songs now
the same as how I initially heard them?
I liked how vividly you described the experience of staying up late waiting for a midnight song release because you did a good job of conveying your emotions in that scene. I also liked how you connected your memories with a particular album and your discussion of imprinting memories to songs since I never really thought about that topic.
ReplyDeleteI'm nowhere near as big of a music fan as you are, but I can definitely relate to songs being painful in a nostalgic sense. Listening to some songs for the first time can be magical, but you're never able to go back to that initial listening session. It's a callback to times that were less stressful or places that you might never go back to again. And you describe that feeling of the split between happiness and hurting really well.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ethan as well. When I usually hear a song for the first time that I like, I tend to overuse it. It eventually wears off and I can never feel the same. It's actually kind of become a pain for me. I've begun to limit myself on how many times I can listen to a track of music that I like.
ReplyDeleteI totally get this - I'm the same with a trailer drop or a new movie (me and those midnight premieres). I also love Made in the A.M. - Infinity started playing in my head as soon as I read that part of your post. And hey, even though it'd be nice to experience our favorite songs over again, at least all of them are releasing new music! Even if they're not together anymore, you get four times as many songs.
ReplyDeleteI do the same thing whenever a favorite artist or group of mine is releasing something. Most of the people that a listen to don't promote super often before a release. But earlier this year not to long ago now on on Nov 29 2019, my favorite band LAUNDRY DAY released the long awaited by fans, EP, LIGHT UP SHOES 2. I'd never been more hyped for a release I stayed up way longer than anticipated, just so I could listen to those for songs at least one time before I passed out. After the first time hearing them I hit the loop bottom. But then I started worrying to my self that I should stop because I was scared I would get sick of the songs, if i listen to them to much and this would all be for nothing. Sadly and happily I don't listen to my self so now I listen to it at least once a day, and fear for the day I can't push my self to do so.
ReplyDelete